|Druids - The Search For The Worst - IHE|
|Season unknown, Episode 1|
|Air date||July 11, 2014|
|Written by||I Hate Everything|
|Directed by||I Hate Everything|
|None||3 Ninjas: High Noon At Mega Mountain - The Search For The Worst - IHE|
Druids - The Search For The Worst - IHE is the first episode in I Hate Everything's The Search For The Worst series.
What is the worst movie you've ever seen? No, I'm not talking about Transformers 2 or Grown Ups 2, I mean a movie so bad, so fundamentally broken that it leaves a pit in your stomach or makes you feel frustrated and angry beyond any reasonable measure. This is a question I've been asking myself for a while and I think it's about time to do something about it. So I've pulled up the list of the Bottom 100 lowest rated movies on IMDb and I'm going through them one by one to find the worst movie ever.
Welcome to The Search For The Worst.
2001's Druids is a fucking weird ass movie. I sat there stunned for two hours desperately searching for something, for anything to grasp onto. I literally had no idea what was happening the entire time.
So let me try to attempt to explain what the hell was going on in this...'movie.'
So it opens with this shot of a comet flying through space. OK, simple enough. We then see a group of Druids shambling around a rock formation and chanting about how a new king is going to stop a great wheel from crushing them...alright?
So right off the bat I noticed a couple of things. A couple of awful, awful things. So apparently this movie was filmed in both English and French at the same time which leads to these scenes that have just tons of dubbing. I'm not really sure why they had to dub everything if they filmed it in both languages but it ends up being really distracting because just about nothing fits anyone's mouth movements. Sometimes they don't even bother to open their mouths at all, but when they do bother, the mouth movements are in sync with the English for a little bit but then about halfway though they forget what they were saying and just sort of fishmouth their way through the entire scene.
Anyway, so we're introduced to our main character. I would say his name but I have no idea what is is, so for now, let's just call him 'Forehead.' You'll understand why in a little bit. So these god awful child actors try to establish this weird romance sub-plot but it comes off as totally creepy and in one scene the girl sounds like she's going to cry.
We're then shown a sleeping old man-oh! Oh Jesus is that Max von Sydow? The hell is he doing in this weird ass movie? The funny thing is, I was taking notes everytime Max appeared on-screen. In total he's in about seven scenes, making up approximately three minutes of screen time, sometimes even going as long as thirty minutes before seeing him again.
So we then see this bizarre scene where these blokes are just sort of talking about politics or something and then Forehead's dad gets shot by an arrow for some reason. Forehead then claims he's going to kill this guy because he burnt his dad alive for some reason. He doesn't even make a sound while he's painfully burning to death either. He just sort of sits there and accepts it.
Are you starting to see a pattern here? Nothing makes any fucking sense. Every explanation for why something is happening will be followed by "for some reason." Supposedly this film is loosely based off real events and people but this film is more confusing than your first viewing of Donnie Darko.
So then we transition to Forehead when he's grown into his mid thirties or something. Do you understand why I call him Forehead now? And oh my god look at that wig. Seriously, the wigs in this movie are atrocious and beyond that they aren't half bloody distracting. It's probably why I have no idea what's happening cause all these crazy ass wigs get in the way of their 'acting.'
So then this druid lady has this weird training fight scene with Forehead and the dialogue makes no sense whatsoever. Then while Max is talking to Forehead he tells him to kick him in the ass. And then he's out of the movie for the next thirty minutes. Wait, wait a second, look at that guy! That is the most pathetic stone carver dude I have ever seen! This extra obviously had no idea what he was doing so he was just pretending to hit a large stone for some reason.
Then we move onto this scene where all these hairy guys with stupid wigs keep saying that they all want to get the booty? Like, pirate's booty sort of thing...I think. Well-well I hope so. Just listen to the weirdly dubbed crowd! They do this shit throughout the entire thing, just dubbing the crowd because no one originally said anything. Later on it gets so bad that people just start screaming what they're supposed to be doing in the scene, because why not I guess?
So Forehead starts chatting to Julius Caesar about some bollocks and apart from looking like a Neanderthal, we notice that he has no idea how to speak. He is constantly changing his voice as no consistency at all. At one point, he even speaks like he's American for some reason. But anyway-oh hey, look at that fly on his shirt, that's pretty distracting.
So all these blokes just sort of stand around and talk about doing something and then they go into the woods and then these cheeky hiding Romans throw a rock at some guy who we don't know and then he dies. Forehead is pretty mad about this so he kills one of the Romans, cuts his hand off and sends it to Caesar. Calm down Forehead, he only threw a rock at the guy! Fucking twat!
Let's talk about Caesar in this movie. He does nothing. He just sits around talking about how important Forehead is but how he's still going to beat him anyway. He has all this floaty supposed-to-be-well-written political dialogue that is trying to make you think he's smart or something, but no one in this movie knows what's going on. Seriously, no one knows what they're saying so they speak in this confused way that makes them sound like they're retarded.
We then move on to this scene where Forehead and company try to break into this fort place...for some reason. Everything in this movie just sort of happens. There is no pacing, the editing does nothing to help you understand what's going on and everyone just looks confused or angry all the time.
So lady druid distracts a guard by flashing him and then smacks him in the dick. At this point I started to notice the very, very strange soundtrack this movie has. It sounds like the noise a nightclub makes when you're standing outside it. This sort of weird music stays consistently baffling like this right up until the end.
So then they fight their way into the fort thing and then...just watch how this scene ends.
(The scene is at night in first shot and the second shot is in the day.)
It ju-it-it just cuts to daytime and they're just walking around...h-how in god's-how in god's name are we supposed to understand what's happening in this fucking movie?
Forehead has a little speech then hilariously and angrily pushes his way through a group of people...'cause he's a dick. Then I guess because of the fort attack or some shit, Caesar commands his men to burn everyone alive...for some reason. Wait a second, di-did-stop that! Di-did that guy miss? Look! He-he tried to stab the wood with his knife, but he missed and they still used the take! Are you fucking kidding me movie?!
So this guy who has no confidence proposes that Caesar should attack. Then he just backs away and the scene ends. Fuck this movie!
The Romans are about to attack the fort but then chickens and fish are thrown over the wall and it makes them kind of retreat because they were hungry I guess? Or something. Then to keep them distracted all these ladies take off their shirts and the Romans try to make a human pyramid to get up the wall to the woman. Forehead then attacks them. Heh, look how his horse runs. Fuck this movie!
So we have another weird battle scene where the music doesn't fit and the people who are supposed to be dead are clearly still moving around and have no idea what's happening, kind of like the people who are trying to watch the movie like me.
So because they won the fight they all cut their arms with a knife for some reason then they have a food fight. Love interest appears again and repeats a line she said at the beginning of the movie when she was a little girl as if it's supposed to mean something. Then Forehead lies down like he's Cate Blanchett from Titanic. Fuck this movie!
This is one hour and ten minutes into the movie and I have no idea what's going on!
So some guys get attacked and he makes the most pathetic noise as he falls off his horse and another guy who's supposed to be dead lies there with his eyes clearly moving.
So now the movie spends about thirty minutes leading up to the final battle and spends about five of those minute reusing the same shot of soldiers walking to imply that there are loads of them. Fuck this movie!
There's some more unfitting music and a guy forgets his line halfway through saying it...but they still use he take. Then Forehead's men vote for something with balls and Forehead tries to talk to his lady friend but his hair moves so much that you have no choice but to focus on that instead of the dialogue. Who am I kidding? None of this matters! None of it!
Forehead then tells his men to not attack early. Then they attack early and everyone dies, even the druid lady we really care about dies because she accidentally wandered into the scene. Then they try to book in the movie with a bunch of weird speeches that make no sense and still, no one knows what's going on.
Forehead then visits Caesar, walks around his tent on a horse for some reason, then surrenders.
And that's Druids. Fucking hell, what a movie to start this shit off with! I guess it was supposed to be a story of redemption for Forehead's father being burnt alive, at least that's what he keeps saying, but then he gives up and there's some sort of text explaining what happens to them later in their life. You know what? This is the-this isn't even a movie! This is just a bunch of sequences and images strung together loosely with just wigs...and hairy people...and-and weird facial expressions from Forehead. This is the worst piece of shit I have seen in a long time and so the truth, I was kind of enjoying it in that sort of bad movie way up until around the hour mark. Then I just got tired and physically repulsed by all the wigs. The thing that kind of redeems this movie is how everyone apart from Max is playing it super seriously, as if they're in something that matters when in fact, they're in a movie with a 2.6 on IMDb and number 100 on the 100 worst films ever list. I guess this is usually the part where I compare this film's awfulness to the other films from the other 100 list, but seeing as this is first video I've made of this type, I can't really do that. But basically err umm...fuck this movie!
- This is the first The Search The Worst episode.
- It also introduces the first character of The Search The Worst, Forehead.
- I Hate Everything was meant to say Kate Winslet instead of Cate Blanchett.